We’re going to Durban, with mixed feelings galore. While St Francis pulls out scarves, sips red wine, and gathers around fires like a wholesome Netflix family, we’ve decided to lean into Durban for surf contest season in the city where June smells like burning rubber, cat wee and samoosas.
Let’s unpack why this particular travel decision doesn’t feel particularly warm.
1. The Weather Is Warm. Emotionally, You Will Not Be.
Yes, it’s warm in winter. Durban smugly puffs out 26°C afternoons while Cape Town is drowning in Atlantic drama. But it’s not a crisp, clean warmth. It’s a sweaty, suspicious warmth that makes you wonder whether the clouds are sweating, too. Take sunscreen, or you’ll be going red by lunchtime.
2. The Ocean’s Lovely – If You Don’t Mind Faeces.
The Indian Ocean is a bath. A warm, brown bath. Often, Durban’s beaches are technically “open,” but keep an eye out for those charming signs that say “Swimming Not Advised – High E. coli Levels”. Nothing gets the adrenaline going like trying to body-surf while mentally calculating how much sewage you’ve just swallowed.
3. The Cockroach Struggle Is Real
Winter in other cities means fewer bugs. Winter in Durban means the cockroaches simply evolve. These aren’t your average creepy crawlies. These are confident, heat-resistant, flying cats that want to eat you.
4. The Local Wildlife Includes Monkeys, Vervets, and the Occasional Escaped Goat
Durban’s monkeys are not cute. They are intelligent, coordinated, and capable of gang operations. If you leave your Airbnb window open, you will return to find them holding a prayer meeting around your Woolworths snacks, wearing your underwear and poohing.
5. There’s Culture – Somewhere Under the Rubbish
Durban has a rich cultural history. Unfortunately, it’s often hidden under layers of plastic bags, decaying beachfront signage, and the vague scent of despair. Somewhere beneath it all, there’s poetry. Apparently.
6. You’ll Save on Entertainment – Because There Isn’t Any
Unless you count watching pensioners fight over margarine at Spar, which is pretty good, or your Uber driver swearing at a taxi, entertainment options are sparse. Nightlife? Only if you count that one place in Florida Road still serving R25 tequila shots in between patrons getting shot. With Guns. Even the cinemas have recently moved to Cape Town.
7. You’ll Learn to Appreciate Other Cities
Honestly, Durban is a brilliant destination – for perspective. You’ll return to St Francis with fresh eyes, whispering things like, “Wow, at least we still have our health.”
8. Witness the Fish Apocalypse
Every winter, Durbanites start buzzing about the Sardine Run like it’s some magical oceanic spectacle. Yes, billions of sardines migrate up the coast, pursued by sharks, dolphins, gannets, and approximately every coastal uncle with a cooler box and a cigarette.
The beaches become scenes of oily chaos: silver fish flopping desperately on the sand while hordes of chubby men in cargo shorts shove pensioners aside to scoop them up by the bucketful. They’re like possessed contestants on a deranged seafood game show that smells like fish curry left in a hot car.
So yes, visit Durban in winter. Pack SPF 50, a sense of humour, your lowest expectations and toilet paper.
Trust me.
The toilet paper situation deserves its own story, so read on, and weep,
You need your own toilet paper in Durban not because toilet paper is unavailable, it’s technically there, but because relying on the public supply is an extreme sport.
Here’s why:
1. Public Bathrooms Exist Mostly in Theory
Finding a public toilet in Durban is unlikely. If you do stumble upon one, it often comes with a handwritten sign that says “No Water” or “Toilet Out of order since 2016.”
2. When It Is There, It’s the Texture of Aluminium and the Strength of a Whisper
Durban’s public toilet paper (where provided) is usually that thin, grey single-ply that feels like tin foil and doesn’t wipe so much as spread.
3. Some Places Operate on a BYO-Tissue Basis
Especially at petrol stations, small cafes, and the more rustic beachside toilets that have an empty roll holder and a cheerful sign suggesting you ask “at the counter.” The ignominy of asking, out loud, in public, is too much.
4. Toilet Paper Is Also Considered a Hot Commodity
In some parts of Durban, a roll of two-ply is currency. Don’t be surprised if someone offers to swap it for a cold Black Label or a half-smoked Styvie red. I just noticed that our vices have colours.
Durban Curry Blow-Out
5. You Just Don’t Want to Be That Person Caught Short
You went in for that power Durban curry man, an all. Then you got bold. You laughed at your local friend’s concern. Now it’s 18 minutes later, and something is going on in your paunch. If you have a full Durban curry blow-out, you’ll need plenty of toilet paper, for dabbing.
Bringing your own toilet paper to Durban is preparation. It’s a small roll of hope in a city that needs hope.
Further reading – St Francis Bay Welcomes The Whales – Various Exciting Happenings 6 – 9 June – Check Out The Info!
Faeces is the correct spelling. The bit about ‘patrons getting shot. With guns. What were you expecting bows & arrows. Sloppy you need to be edited.
We’ve become a turd world nation.
I am Durbanite and I just loved the article! Thank you.
Not everyone speak like ‘and all’s
Not everything you described is how you say it.
Just by the sound of it I can guess you were born between 1975.
Your comment are very condescending and Borde line disprectful. Just because you can throw a few sentences together does not give you the right to slander our country. Yes Durban is a rotten mess esp the city centre but I live in Ballito, come visit and see the other side
Huge difference between Durban and Umhlanga/ Ballito.
Come to Ballito and see…..
Sheesh quite one sided. Every place has its pros and cons but this is only highlighting the bad. I beg to differ.
Although we do not live in durban central, we live 30 km.inland, I am offended by this ridiculous summary of Durban.
Certainly there is some beauty in st Francis, and just so there are many beautiful spots..and lovely moments to have in durban..winter is beautiful and most of the statements are ridiculously exaggerated and untrue. I find myself wondering what the point is of such an article..
It cannot be to attract more visitors to the cape. The road systems just cannot deal with the holiday traffic..
Be that as it may .. it is a lot more useful looking for the beautiful moments in a place that you visit..
Please stay in st Francis, enjoy the cold sea water, and small town with hectic night life, baboons that are not cute and watch the fisherman on their chocca exporting the calamari..while you sip your red wine! I do hope that we do not bump onto you when we are next in the Cape ..it may spoil our experience
Disagree, I’m an old Derbanite and the town and surrounding areas are a sh1thole!
I love the Zulus in Durban South. Friendly, peaceful and in general caring. The city needs to clean up and corruption is a threat. But Bayside self accommodation a wonderful place to stay. The swimming pool nearby the beach clean and a delight.
Durban Beaches and sea is stunning. The winters are wonderful. Sea is warm. Friendly people.
If you want to write negatively we can write alot about other places around the world too. That are just as you have described. Please Durban has been through enough be kind to her Please
Poor old Durbs. Despite its woes it still holds a soft spot in my heart
You do your readers no favours by being pig-ignorant about a place to which you are traveling, but pretending you are an expert.
Durban from May to July is the best place in the country.
Open your eyes and close your prejudices.
I live in JHB and go down to Durban occasionally. Beautiful place, yes has its issues like every other city, some 10 times worse, but this article from Mr St Francis…whew..you are are very flat minded..shame. Also if you cannot manage hot food, dont think all people cannot ..!
Oh my, that is hilarious! Knowing you lived in Durban for many years, I’m sure you have seen the rot set in. I love that these articles (of all different places in SA) do shine a light on how amazing it is to live here. Keep up laughing, the other haters certainly do not get your sense of humour!
Please don’t visit Durban at all. Your arrogance and slights are not required. Neither are you.
Please do us a favour and don’t come. Even our sewage outflows are not as toxic as the details flowing from your mind.
Key board warriors all this negative lot. St Francis Today, keep them coming. Your Cape Town article was brilliant too.
Hahahaha. Brilliant article. A tad on the edge editor and I am sure Durbanites will be offended but let’s have a laugh everyone! Stop hating and keep loving :)
I’m confused as to why the comments are so negative? It’s clearly tongue-in-cheek, people! Showee, we need a chuckle every now and then unless your readers are that serious?
Thanks for the humour. Being a Durbanite, I really had a good laugh. It is terrible about the shocking state of the place. And don’t these haters know that St Francis is becoming Durban by the sea? I wonder why?
Oh that just made my day “pensioners fighting over margarine in Spar” and your description of the Sardine Run! What amusing reading! You should have added in that Durbanites clearly don’t have a sense of humour. Very sensitive bunch. Perhaps you need to supply some toilet paper for them to dry their tears :-)
This article is absolutely hilarious despite me being a Durbanite gal since birth…I love poetic writing and this my friend is just so !!! Keep up the good work & MIND THE HATERS…lol
Nice hit piece, scribe. Mission accomplished! Love the sourpuss comments even more.
We know you can take a joke, cos you live where the sea isn’t a temperature, it’s a geometry angle!
You guys are weird. Have you never been to Steinbank Reserve? Right inside Durbs. The Bot. Gardens? Pigeon Valley? Guided walk every Saturday. All right in Durbs.
Some of the beaches are great – but is that all you come here for? To sit on your fat, complaining arses on a beach, or eat in a restaurant? By the way, Florida Rd. is not the place to find great eating places … but you’d have to be a bit more adventurous to find the good spots. Durbanites don’t brag, so you have to do some digging.
Sheesh, you guys are super-ignorant. Your comments were hilarious. We’re cool without you.
Next time stay a bit further inland, and complain about the Midlands resorts – some of them have too much wildlife, or not enough streaming services for spoilt citified brats like you lot … and bring a spare trailer of loo paper …
Good day Editor,
Thank you for making us aware of the above mentioned. I’m a Durbanite based in Gauteng.
Gauteng is not better. Everywhere you go there’s landfill and feaces. There’s sputum on pavements and they are cracking, you can see a pool of sand.
If you want food, you got to buy pap or kotas, nothing is really interesting!
There’s a lot of bad things happening in Gauteng as well. I miss my Durban, to be honest.
Another thing, all the above mentioned issues are caused by your own government. The cockroaches are all over Gauteng as well.
Thank you, Editor.
As a Durbanite born on the beachfront (Addington Hospital), I loved the tongue in cheek observations. Spot on!
Ignore the dim witted who passed on the desserts (sense of humuor) as they were watching their growing waistlines (of judgement).
I concur, you need to go on a journey around the country.
Will look out for your future excursions
If this article is anything to go by, the humour in St. Francis is on steroids. I’ve never laughed so much reading an article. More writers should honestly roast cities from the bottom of their heart. It makes for really good comedy if you can remain impartial. You can’t not laugh at “winter in Durban means cockroaches simple evolve” or “co-ordinated baboons that are capable of hosting prayer meetings.” Bro needs a world-tour of roasting cities.
I was born in Durban and only just managed to survive in that steamy hellhole until the age of 18. Then I escaped and never looked back. I travelled the world and never looked back. I’m now 86 but Durban is seared in my memory. Not even air conditioning could lure me back.
I loved the truisms and laughed at them all. Your humour is infectious. Well worth reading.