So you’re planning a little holiday to the coast? Lovely beaches, coastal charm, and a bit of culture? Before packing your bags and visiting East London, do yourself a favour – read this.
Unless you get a thrill from dodging spouting sewage geysers, admiring failed infrastructure, and surviving a daily game of “Has the toilet exploded or is it just the Nahoon River Again?”, East London is a cautionary tale dressed up as a city.
Here are 12 reasons why visiting East London is basically tourism self-harm.
1. The Potholes Are Portals
They’re so big they’re not actually potholes anymore. They’re gateways. Once you drive into one, you emerge three days later on the other side of Butterworth, nude, with a strange new accent and deep regret. GPS systems just give up entirely. Even Google Maps is like, “Naah, bru, you’re on your own.”
2. It’s Called Buffalo City Because of a Deep-Fried Colonial Lie
Ever wondered why East London is sometimes called Buffalo City? It’s got nothing to do with the Buffalo River. I once heard, from a very good source, in Buccaneers, at Happy Hour, that in the 1800s, a group of British settlers allegedly deep-fried a chicken wing by mistake and declared it “a buffalo wing” to impress the locals. The name stuck. The chicken obsession began. The KFCs multiplied. And now, generations later, we have a city named after a snack invented by a homesick coloniser with too much oil and not enough seasoning. Some say it’s heritage; we call it heartburn.
3. Subsequently, There Are Now More KFCs Than Traffic Lights
Drive down any main road, and you’ll pass no fewer than six KFCs before your first working robot (if it’s not flashing red like it’s given up, too). Forget artisanal bakeries or quirky cafés. Here, you eat chicken. Fried. South Africa has 1052 KFC outlets, and most of them are in East London.
4. The Museum is the Best Thing in Town, and It’s Been the Same For 40 Years
The East London Museum proudly boasts a coelacanth and not much else. It’s like stepping into a time capsule of mediocrity. You’ll leave more confused than enlightened. The main exhibit is just a dead fish?
5. “Seaside Charm” Means a Beach Full of Items From Lost Sea Containers.
Sure, there’s a beach. But would you walk barefoot on it? That depends – there is a lot of flotsam, jetsam, pill vials and Chinese Oreos floating around. Nahoon and Orient Beach both have “great potential”, if by potential you mean a constant game of “Is that foam natural or… medical?”
6. The Water Works About as Well as the Municipality
You haven’t known frustration until you’ve tried to flush a toilet in East London after a long day of fried chicken. The taps splutter like they’re on their last breath, and the toilets only work if the moon is in Pisces. You either get no warning, or a friendly heads-up that water will be off “sometime between 6 a.m. and midnight,” which is every time you decide to toilet, shower, or make spaghetti..
7. Loadshedding? Life Shedding.
The power cuts here are so routine that Eskom doesn’t even bother with a schedule anymore. They just flip a coin and black out the grid. Businesses run on diesel, Wi-Fi is nowhere, and charging your phone overnight will probably get it to 6% by morning.
8. Streetlights are Just There for Support
Driving at night is like playing Russian roulette with your axles. The darkness is so complete you start to wonder if your headlights are working or if you’re simply peering into the void. Streetlights blink sporadically like they’re pleading for help in Morse code.
9. “Fixing the Roads” is a Myth Passed Down Through Generations
Every now and then, you’ll see a sign that says “Roadworks: Apologies for the Inconvenience”. The workers are ghosts. The cones are permanently fixed. Nothing is happening. It’s literally like looking at a painting. A painting that you won’t find at the museum. No, you’ll just see an old, vrot fish there.
10. Tourism Brochures Feature Stock Photos From Knysna
Ever seen a picture of a lush promenade, happy families, and vibrant street culture? Not East London. That’s Knysna, a bit of Brenton-On-Sea and Photoshop. East London’s idea of tourist marketing is a blurry pic of a pelican.
7. The Successful Nahoon River Diet
Want to lose weight? A highlight of visiting East London is the Nahoon River Diet. Go anywhere near the Nahoon River or the Nahoon Beach outflow. Make contact with the water with any part of your body, and you will be Winnie-The-Poohing through the eye of a needle for 72 hours straight and will lose so much weight, mainly chicken, that you might need to go on a creatine drip to stabilise. No need for Ozyempic injections. Be warned, however, that you don’t have the privilege of going for a Number One or a Number Two on this diet. You’ll only be doing Number Threes, flat out, in more ways than one.
12. You Can Check In Any Time You Like, But You Can Never Leave
The minute you arrive, something breaks. Your tyre hits a crater. Your Airbnb runs out of water. You lose signal. The toilet doesn’t flush, and you forget why you came. You consider Buccaneers and happy hour, but it’s too frightening. You’re in the Twilight Zone, eating KFC by candlelight and staring at a flickering robot, wondering at what exact point you messed your life up so badly.
Final Thoughts:
East London is unpredictable and full of weird smells, but someone somewhere still insists it’s got “character.” And look, it probably does. But if you want an actual holiday? Drive through. Slowly, because potholes, but don’t stop.
Further reading:
12 Things To Do In Cape Town During Winter.
Seven Reasons Cape Town Can Piss Right Off in 2025
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