CERN scientists have confirmed a bold new project. The world’s next-generation particle collider will not be in Europe. It will be built in South Africa.

Officials announced today that Thyspunt, a remote coastal site previously considered for a nuclear power plant, is now the preferred location for a massive Hadron Collider, the Ultra Hadron Collider (UHC). The facility will be nearly three times the size of the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). It will probe the deepest mysteries of the universe.

Perfect Site

“This is the perfect site,” said Dr. Hans Christian Anderson, lead physicist on the project. “It has stable geology, minimal electromagnetic interference, and great views of the ocean. This is not a fairy tale.”

The UHC will stretch over 100 kilometers underground, with the head at Thyspunt making it the largest scientific structure on Earth. Engineers will construct a massive underground ring beneath the Eastern Cape. There will be research facilities in Jeffrey’s Bay and St. Francis Bay.

Local leaders expressed both excitement and concern. “This could put our region on the map,” said Thyspunt community spokesperson, Ms. Gemima Duck. “But we need assurances that surfers won’t start glowing, especially during the night.”

Black Hole

Opposition groups have already raised questions. “What happens if they accidentally create a black hole?” asked activist Carl Quack. “We all saw that movie Event Horizon.”

CERN officials dismissed such fears. “We’ve done this before,” said project coordinator Dr. Neil van de Aas. “When building a massive Hadron Collider, the worst thing that happened last time was a minor power surge at a local coffee shop.”

Construction is set to begin in 2026. Once complete, the Ultra Hadron Collider will operate for decades, unlocking the secrets of dark matter, quantum gravity, and why toast always lands butter-side down.

“We’re on the edge of a new frontier,” said Dr. Christian Anderson, “And if all goes well, we won’t accidentally teleport J-Bay into another dimension, of Thumbelinas, of Little Mermaids, of Ugly Ducklings.”