A Walk On The Wildside by Ben Trovato

So nearly 50kg of cocaine washed up at Supertubes the other day? I once dated a woman who weighed roughly the same, and now I can’t help picturing her made entirely of cocaine. She was quite a handful, but nothing on this scale.

Police said the stash was discovered by people “walking their dog” at around 5.30am. Anyone who is up at that time of day is obviously on drugs. I think they probably found it a week ago, took it home, got stuck into it and at some point realised there was just way too much. Suffering from a chronic lack of sleep, spiralling paranoia and perforated septums, they put it back where they found it.

The coke is currently locked away in a police evidence room, which means it will be back on the streets before New Year.

Much In Demand

Apart from cocaine being one of the six habits of highly successful people, it is much in demand at this time of year by young and old alike. With all the family reunions and dinners parties – fraught with potential for disaster – everyone is desperate for some sort of medication.

If you’re new at this, I recommend something from the benzodiazepine family. Xanax, Librium or Ativan will do nicely if all you need to do is get through Christmas lunch without ramming your fork into a sibling’s eye. If you’re afraid of losing control and exposing Uncle Pervy for the kiddie-fiddler that he is, you might need one of the neuroleptics. Thorazine works well, but get your timing right. You don’t want to be slack-jawed and drooling into the turkey with your paper hat over one eye while everyone else is pulling crackers.

Drugs brighten up a miserable day

Drugs are as popular in South Africa as anywhere else in the world. However, nobody here knows for sure why they are illegal. Drugs brighten up a miserable day and give your self-esteem a boost. Is that so terrible? In a free market system, adults should be permitted to sell drugs to other adults. Kids should have to get theirs from somewhere else.

Drug-taking definitely no longer has the stigma it once had. Drugs have become like, I don’t know, badminton. There was a time when you would avoid people who played badminton for the same reason you’d avoid people who used drugs. This is no longer the case.

Imperial College London’s Centre for Psychedelic Research

These days you can fire up a joint in your garden without having a police dog turn up to chew your face off. A Lesotho start-up has become the first African cannabis-grower to win EU permission to export its product. Scientists from Imperial College London’s Centre for Psychedelic Research have found that magic mushrooms are way more awesome than we thought. The fact that such a centre even exists tells you that change is afoot

What else have we been wrong about? Is crack actually good for your teeth? Is heroin the new miracle drug for acne?

Here are some examples of drugs and the effects they have on police officers:


Coke makes policemen very jumpy. Symptoms include an inability to sit still and relax. They become restless and fidgety. Often they will tell you to keep quiet and let them do all the talking. They will come up with lots of unrealistic notions and ideas, like sending you to jail for the rest of your life. Nod and smile. That’s all you can do, really, until they have got it out of their system.


Induces a sense of hostility in policemen. Their eyes narrow and they tend to speak louder than normal. There is a strong possibility that they will turn violent for no apparent reason. Humour them. Play along. Resist stroking their faces. Never assume that they know what they are doing.

Tik (crystal meth)

Police become very self-assured when exposed to tik. They exude confidence. Their positive demeanour can lead to them slapping one another on the back and, in extreme cases, hugging. The comedown can be dramatic, especially when they spend two weeks testifying, only for the magistrate to throw the case out because the evidence has disappeared.

Acid (lysergic acid diethylamide)

LSD has a dangerously unpredictable effect on the police. Either they are happy with a couple of caps or they will tear your house apart in desperation to get their hands on more of the stuff. Even if you swear there is no more in the house, they will not believe you. These hallucinations are quite normal. Do not make any sudden moves. Their imaginations are already in overdrive and the last thing you want to do is startle them. When they fire irrational questions at you, reply in low, soothing tones. They will soon be back to normal. Well, as normal as any policeman ever can be.

See you soon





Ben Trovato is the author of thirteen books, although you wouldn’t think so if you had to see his living conditions. With a background in print and television journalism, Trovato’s popular newspaper columns have earned him a wicked reputation and a fatty liver. He can often be found surfing instead of meeting his deadlines. Trovato lives alone with two regrets and a hangover.